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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 140
Issue 140 had two issues. See the second here. The Mafia Gazette Issue 140 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Wednesday 13th June 'MURDER AT LOTTERY HQ ' By Tea Jenny Yesterday morning lottery master Portia and her associate Dario Castelletti were attacked in Chicago. Whilst sorting out entries for tonight's draw Portia heard a gun shot, she ran out to investigate to discover faithful long-service bodyguard Jerry McAvennie had been shot dead in the hallway right outside her office. She was leaning over the body when she heard shouting outside, she picked up her gun and went outside to see who was shouting. Meanwhile one of Portia's men, Dario Castelletti was tending to his own injured bodyguard just down the street. He and his other bodyguards were trying to pull the injured man into a car when he had heard another shot coming from the Lottery offices. He left bodyguard Hank to look after the injured man and ran off down the street to see if his boss and friend Portia was alright. An injured man was spotted heading off down the street and Dario rushed ahead to flush him back. The attacker turned when he saw Dario and ran back towards Portia who was waiting, gun at the ready. With one skillful shot from the woman's gun the man lay dead in the street. Her faithful bodyguard's death avenged. 'EAST COAST COCAINE DESPAIR ' By MothersFavourite There was shock and dismay this morning as gangsters on the East coast went out to start their days work amid news that overnight almost all drugs on the streets had dissapeared. The first people to know where the early riser, keen to make a start on the highly profitable cocane runs. As the morning progressed, more and more gangsters, hoodlums and citizens wandered about the dark alleys, scrabbling over only a tiny number of available cocaine packs. Even Atlanta, a city often associated with low drugs prices and plentiful supply was found to be empty, with many dealer wandering about with confused expressions on their faces. It wasn't all that long ago when the Priesthood proudly announce to the streets that they had established a profitable New York - Detroit drug run. Well all that cocaine has now dissapeared. At the time of the announcement, the Priesthood were critized for stealing from another established route, a claim that was met with fierce anger and emphatic denial. At this time it is too early to make guesses about where the missing drugs have gone, through it would be fair at the moment to work on the assumption that under cover of darkness crews from other cities have come in and cleaned the drugs in order to establish a profitable route elsewhere. With the families of New York and Detroit being much less powerful and dominant than they once were, it would seem that cleaning these cities of the valuable cocaine was an easy task and removes a source of financial gain from those familes. 'STREET BOSS TAKES DENVER ' By Totally Guitarded Earlier today, we saw a move which has not been seen in our community for some time now.. A Street Boss taking control of a city. For a while now, only Made Men and higher have dared take cities, with the odd street boss setting up under them. Today Denver Street Boss Silent Jack changed that, coming out onto the street and announcing he would be setting up a family, The SilentRiders, in Denver. There was once a time where Street Boss was a high and respected rank, Made Men were few and far between and those who did make it had to go through Street Boss, but now days there are Capo's and Bosses around, Made Men are pleanty and Street Bosses are given very little respect and usually die relitivly quickly.. a change, but was it for the better? Silent Jack went on to lay his rule on Denver, he wishes to restore it to it's best and enforce Omerta and La Cosa Nostra upon the city. The Gazette applauds this bold move and wishes Silent and his family the best of luck in this move to Denver. 'JACK CARTER RUNS FOR MAYOR ' By Gazette Reporter Angels boss, Mr Jack Carter came to the street on Monday to announce his new postition as Mayor of the community. Since the untimely disappearance of our last Mayor we have had no replacement. Until now that is, he has decided to take on the role. He told the crowd that he would be taking on the old Mayor's role and that he would be accepting 'donations' of $2,345,678 presented to him in unmarked bills, and in return he would speak to the capt'n on your behalf. A few people stepped up to question him on his new job, first to question him was Mr W who asked, 'how did you become the mayor?' To which Mr Carter replied, 'I just decided i wanted to be so i am.' Next Mr W asked Jack his stance on immigration, to which he replied, 'I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for this country's immigratioon policy.' Next up to ask Mr Carter was Michael Andolini who asked, 'While you are Mayor of Miami, who will run AWDF?' Jack replied, 'Miami? Im not just the mayor of miami, im the mayor of the whole community! As for the Angels, you dont have to worry about that my man.' Lastly Birday stepped up, telling crowd members that he should also become a Mayor of a city, Jack told him he was too late and that he and only he was 'Mayor Almighty'. Our reporter managed to catch up with Jack for an exclusive interview; Reporter - What made you decide to become mayor? Jack - The current mayor has been 'missing' for some time now so i felt it was right to step in and take over. Its a tough job but somebody has got to do it. After i was cleared of his dissapearance i felt it was time to make my move. Reporter - How did you come into possession of the document making you mayor of the community? Jack - The document just fell in my lap. Once i expressed an intrest the powers that be wern't in a possition to say no. They knew they were getting the right man for the job. Reporter - How do you think taking on the responsibility of Mayor will affect your family? Jack - Im a man, i can multi-task. To be honest the mayor's job is an easy one. All you have to do is put people in touch with each other. Reporter - Do you feel that you will have any trouble from other mayor candidates after your postition? Jack - I can assure you i will not be getting any trouble from other mayor candidates. Thats a given. Even if they do kick up a fuss it doesnt matter, i've already got the job. Reporter - What will happen if the origional mayor is found? Jack - The original mayor? Oh i think its safe to say he will never be found *winks* We at the Gazette are glad to see there is finally another Mayor on the scene and wish Mr Carter the best of luck in running the Mayors office. 'NEW YORK TIMES TO SUPERCEED OBSERVER ' By Pandora Braithwaite Editor of the Observer Newspaper, Adrian Mole (23) came to the streets yesterday to announce the end of his one-man-band operation. The short-lived publication graced our streets for a mere 11 days before being relegated to the recycling bin in order to make way for a return of the New York Times. The Times, last seen on the streets in October, had as a closing sentiment that the Puck Memorial Fund stood at in excess of forty-one million dollars. This sum was apparently going to be used to pay for a Hitman to remove the now sadly deceased ASDA Boss, T1fa. In the past, this newspaper was generally seen as decidedly slanted towards the East coast, and we wonder if the change of ownership as well as the change of demographic in the community will see a more balanced approach to the reporting of news. We at the Gazette would like to wish Mr Mole all success with the new venture, and hope that the New York Times will bring some much-needed alternative news to the streets. 'MASS EXECUTION ' By Birday The Mass execution of yesterday we are told by authorities were long over due. These People where all people who were scheduled to get the chair several weeks ago but some how evaded the city's grasps. But were found thanks to the handy work of two Mafiosos: Muggeh, MothersFavorite. I got a chance to Talk to MothersFavorite who reveled to me that all the people actually came to him in ghostly form one night in hos apartment. Then after the initial shock he finally was able to understand them and communicate. Then with some expertise detective work he found out these people have vanished without a trace with no records other than their names. Authorities after being notified soon found out that these people where supposedly dead for several weeks, and rounded them up executed them so that their ghosts could finally rest in peace. their Bodies have been released to the church for people to say their last good byes. 'NEW TO THE GAZETTE - THE CONUNDRUM ' The Conundrum v.IV by Sab Wonderful. It is nights like these, as the rain wipes itself eloquently against my windowpanes, lightning temporarily illuminating the gloomy moonless nights that I wonder. I wonder what it is that keeps this mafia world of ours alive. There are countless things that my excessive deductive reasoning could attribute this to. Possibly the camaraderie, the extreme close ties we form with one another. Maybe it’s the lust for power, or the need to take orders from those who command it. The list is endless, and providing the numerous reasons would be an arduous task that I would never finish, but rather, I think the grand masquerade that is the Mafia, is the thrill. If it’s not for the thrill, then why are you here? Why are you sitting at your table, or walking down the street reading my article? Sure, I can hear it now, people saying that it isn’t the thrill. Breaking the law is just a means to an end of supplying bread for your family. Of course, it all starts out that way. We need to survive, so we do a few crimes here and there, just to make some pocket change. But then that pocket change slowly starts to get fatter; you’re eating nicer meals, wearing cleaner nicer clothes, driving nicer cars. When does our need to survive, turn in to a need to thrive? Quickly, my friends, quickly. In my attempt to prove that the thrill is what makes this world of ours thrive, I want to take this paper on a road of extremes. So what is the ultimate thrill ride in our world, you ask me? Roguehood. What better way is there to enjoy ourselves then recklessly giving our lives to go on the rampage to kill as many people who stand in your way possible? Sure, sometimes a rogue may have a definitive plan, one in which only a few specific lives, or life, are to be taken. But these are often the exceptions. In the small amount of research that I have done on this topic, I have found a pattern. So often do we find our rogues being well-respected men and women of our societies, almost always of powerfully formidable families, who do the unspeakable and swear off their family ties. They leave behind all those that they care and love to go on this unmandated mission to kill as many members of a rival family of theirs as humanly possible. A coincidence that its often an unmandated mission to kill off a rival family? Of COURSE it’s a coincidence, don’t be a lemon and ask too many questions! So I took forth the initiative to delve deeper into the intricacies that are rogues when I began this article, and decided to interview a rogue himself. Granted, it is nearly always impossible to speak with a rogue after the fact, because they are so quickly the target of attacks on all fronts, that words become very difficult for them. Don’t ask me why, seriously, just don’t. So, this being the case, I decided to interview Mr-Wild, who just happens to be the great-grandson, or great great-grandson, or great great great-granddaughter of Mr. WildHeart, an infamous rogue hitter we had amongst us not too terribly long ago. ‘My cousin,’ Mr. Wild stated, ‘has become a slight embarrassment to the family name for his rather strange actions. My entire bloodline has always denounced randoming.’ He went out to state that ‘nothing about my cousin WildHeart could be considered typical sir, he was a law unto himself indeed. And with his temper once it snapped then there was no going back I’m afraid.’ And in fact, Mr. Wild does have a valid point. Wildheart seems to have been the exception to the rules. He was threatened by a mere thug, however, was unable to train is gun well enough to shoot properly before hand. Try as he might, he shot multiple times to kill this newcomer to our lands. Yes, he denounced his family to seek blood for this man who sneezed on his honor, but the question remains; why was Wild’s family line accepted back with open arms? The answer lies with the very exception to the rule that he was. Wildheart didn’t go on a killing rampage against the country, or against a specific family. He simply went on an undesignated hit, against family orders and he died because of it. Typically, a rogue does not go after one life, they go after many. This leads to wars, and more bloodshed. Thoughtless actions lead to consequences, and so few rogues have ever realized, nor cared about this. So yes, the thrill is there for someone to commit blatantly random acts of violence. Killing always brings a thrill, especially when you know you have mere minutes left to live. However, it should go without saying that a rogue member puts his family’s life at risk, something one should never do. They always get their comeuppance. They may think they can hide behind their government citizen badge for a short time, but eventually they will find themselves sleepin with the fishies. They always do, I’d bet their lives on it. 'WEEKLY LOTTERY ROUND UP ' By Portia Wednesday 6th June turned out to be one of the busiest lottery nights so far here at lottery HQ. There wasn't a record amount of players but a respectable 56, but out of those players there was an outstanding total of 12 winners each winning 2.5 million. Meaning that 30 million was paid out to the communtity. The winning numbers were: 7, 21, 22, 28, 37, 40 The winners that didn't request to be anonymous were: DiamondZadie LaMadrina Zatoichi ClaudioCostanza MrValentine Captain_Flash MichealDeNotti Saturday 9th June however was an entirely different story and a lot quieter. Still a good amount of players, total being 58 but tricky numbers which only produced 3 winners. Each winning 5 million. So 15 million paid out into the community. The winning numbers were 2, 3, 23, 33, 40, 46 The winner that didn't request to be anonymous was: Zimbabwe Those of you that have numbers registered, time to get your payments in for tonights draw nd those who haven't, well, what are you waiting for. You gotta be in it to win it. Stand by for more from lottery HQ next week. 'ASK KING TIE ' by King Tie We have recently had the one and only King Tie join our team here at the Gazette and he has agreed to do a column for us. So we are giving you the opportunity to ask King Tie anything. Have a problem with no answers? Ask King Tie. Something you've always wanted to know? Ask King Tie. Simply mail all questions directly to TieDomiII and keep an eye on the next issue of the Gazette for your answer. Paola - What was the name of the very first (non Administrative) person to achieve rank of Made Man, Capo, Boss, etc. Ok, Paola is the winner of the Ask King Tie contest. I could probably find the answer if I had some motivation, but I’m far too lazy so Paola wins the two hundred grand. I can tell you who SHOULD’VE been the first though…yours truly. MagicalTrevor - Why would you steal MagicalTrevor's Q & A format so shamelessly? I didn’t steal it. It’s completely different. As I’ve explained to you already, MINE is a very prestiged column in the paper. Yours is just a madman’s ramblings in the Street. PresidentEvil - (in your opinion) what is sex like? Hmmm…I think I remember it being great. It’s been about three months but I remember it being pretty good. Especially when the chick is doing all the work. MrKarnak - A friend recently asked me to look after his horse, and i being a nice person quickly agreed. However i noticed after a few days that it was giving me funny looks. Which is why i broke its leg. Then i thought it was probably a write-off anyway so i shot it in the eye. Then i came back drunk one night and ate it. My friend will be most unpleased, any clues what i should tell him? Oh wow this one’s a toughie…alright I think I have a solution. Tell him that first, you noticed an infection growing on his leg and it was slowly spreading so you broke the leg in an attempt to stop the infection from making it’s way any further. Tell him that, after that, you noticed a fly gnawing on the horse’s eye so you shot it and somehow it went through the fly and into the horse’s eye. Tell him that after all of this, the horse was pretty well useless and, because of your Native American Heritage, you don’t believe in wasting anything so you ate it. If he tries to take action against you, you can just sue him for discrimination against your people. Let’s just hope he doesn’t read this column eh? 'NEW! - JOKE OF THE DAY ' By SalMaggio Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for beer. He loved his beer, he adored it, he yearned for beer. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after drinking it. The reaction of his body to the beer was swift and terrible to behold. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to beer. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved beer. A short time later they were married. Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small bar and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the bar, the smell of beer overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had drank three large pints of beer. Even as he left the bar, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone. When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room. Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked. After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party! 'HOROSCOPES ' By Mystic Meg GEMINI - May 22nd - June 21st Your instincts are right on target, especially where a close friend relative is concerned. There was a time when somebody discouraged you from taking a risk. Now may be the time for you to do the same for them. Look after your friends and family this week, they are the best thing you have in life. CANCER - June 21st - July 23rd People always rely on you, but this week you may need someone to lean on and you will find out who you're true friends are. Remember you are nobody's doormat and sooner or later they will come crawling back, what goes around comes around. LEO - July 24th - August 23rd Donating your time, money, and resources to a worthy cause will lift your spirit this week. You may have been feeling down about things, but helping others will help you put things into perspective and make you feel better about your life. VIRGO - August 24th - September 23rd There are massive changes around the corner, some good, some not so good. Don't fear though, for things will work out in the end for the best. Watch your enemies closely this week, for they may spot a weekness during these changes and decide now is the time to strike. LIBRA - September 24th - October 23rd The last week or so hasn't been too good to you, but this week things are looking up as the stars send a little luck your way. Remember though, how it felt when things didn't go your way and have a little sympathy for those down on luck this week. SCORPIO - October 24th - November 22nd The stars predict a small fortune coming your way, perhaps in the form of a horse, slot or lottery win? Now is a good time for you to gamble. SAGITTARIUS - November 23rd - December 21st You know that the public responds much more favourably to messages of hope than predictions of doom. Yes, fear is a great motivator, but it doesn't lead to anything of lasting value. Keep this in mind when you speak publically this week to avoid trouble. CAPRICORN - December 22nd - January 20th Don't react to someone's urgent cries for help today. Can you say 'crying wolf'? Be wary of friends asking you to help them out this week, it may be a trap. Keep your wits about you and it won't all end in tears. AQUARIUS - January 21st - February 19th You're used to pushing forward and making things happen. Every now and then, it's all about sitting back and receiving what comes your way. You need a well earned break this week, sit back and relax, you'll see things won't actually fall apart without you, but carry on as you are and you are going to work yourself into an early grave. Take a vacation and do something for yourself for a change. PISCES - February 20th - March 20th Money gives you power, but only so much. Don't place too much value on finances. Your bank balance may take a hit this week, don't let this get you down for a happy ending of another kind is just around the corner. ARIES - March 21st - April 20th Having too many choices can be as limiting as not having enough. Sit down and eliminate the ones that are obvious bad fits or total fantasies. What you're left with will be more than enough material for you to handle right now. TAURUS - April 21st - May 21st You are near a breakthrough on an important issue. Do not give up on it now as you are so close. Keep on going and the results will be worth the extra effort. 'NEW! - TODAY IN HISTORY ' By Socrates *June 13, 1924 - The Republican National Convention of 1924 adjourned at 10:35 tonight, Eastern Standard Time, having renominated President Calvin Coolidge and placed Brig. Gen. Charles G. Dawes of Illinois on the ticket with him as a candidate for Vice President. Coolidge would be re-elected president later in the year *June 13, 1920 – The U.S. Post Office Department rules that children may not be sent by parcel post. *June 13, 1915 - The Victory and International Peace Memorial commemorating Commodore Oliver Hazard Perry's September 10, 1813 naval victory over British ships in the Battle of Lake Erie in the War of 1812 was opened to the public on June 13, 1915. It is 352 ft (107 m) tall and made up of 78 layers of pink granite, topped with an eleven short ton (10 metric ton) bronze urn. The remains of six naval officers, three British and three Americans, were interred beneath the floor of the monument's rotunda. *June 13, 1900 – The Boxer Rebellion began in China, by secret society Yi Ho Tuan (“the society of the fair and the coordinated fists”), the so called “boxer’” rebellion was aimed at giving the imperial throne back to a Chinese emperor and expelling the westerners. Tens of thousands of Chinese Christians, Catholic and Protestant were killed. *June 13, 1875 - Miriam Amanda Wallace "Ma" Ferguson was born. In 1923 she was elected governor of the state of Texas, becoming the first elected female governor in US history. Two weeks before her iinauguration, Mrs. Nellie Tayloe Ross was sworn in as governor of Wyoming to finish the expired term of her late husband. *June 13, 1825 - Walter Hunt patents safety pin 'OBITUARIES ' by Totally Guitarded Kratos - Wise Guy - Jun 11th, 12:04PM Dario_Castelletti: Rest in peace, Kratos, I don't know what went on here, but I intend to find out. FrankDeCicco: Rest in peace, my good man. MrValentine: gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh RIP Sonny-Cascado - Gangster - Jun 11th, 8:22PM Anthony-Casso: Guess you were right on that one Sonny. Damne shame to lose my Saxophone player for no apparent reason. RIP Gaspipe AvonBarksdale: Sir it was an honest mistake. Once you showed me the witness statement for what I thought I copy and pasted I didn't and sadly and regrettably so your name was still there. By the time I realized it, it was already to late. I'm open to discussion, I'm even willing to compensate your children for your loss. Please contact me upon arrival. CiroBarbara: RIP Sonny This doesn't go down well in my books, that's for sure. You deserved alot better. Winston - Earner - Jun 10th, 5:06AM Michael_Andolini: RIP my friend... soar with the angels SteveMcGarrett: *Steve walks into the funeral home to pay his respects* "Rest in peace old man" *Notices a depressed looking bulldog puppy...well more depressed than usual, whimpering near the coffin* "Come here boy...Don't worry old man, I will take care of your dog for you" *Pets Fuzzles* Roy_Demeo: NOOOOOOOOOO! *Roy holds fuzzles in his arms* RIP my dear friend. I hope your son will contact me 'CLASSIFIEDS ' by Totally Guitarded Have a business? Horses? Anything you want advertised? The Gazette will advertise it here, absolutely FREE! Just drop Totally_Guitarded a mail with the details. 19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC) The Gazette is back and looking for writers once more. If you have a flare for writing and wish to apply, either part time or full time.. drop by the head office in Chicago or simply submit articles/columns to Totally_Guitarded. Good rates of pay! 19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC) $The Bank of Garrison$ Weapon storage Cash Storage Mail Jim-Garrison for details 19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC)19:38, February 17, 2013 (UTC) Lawyer needed. Tough courtroom setting. Contact Anthony-Casso for further details.